Realms Trial: Trolls Be People Too

 

Hear ye, hear ye, goode citizens of Blogtown. Welcome to Realms Faire 2013 and the Stockade Brigade, Word Wizards on Trial event.

To learn more about the Realms Faire, please go to Realms Faire headquarters HERE.

Events: Joust ~ Drench-a-Wench/Soak-a-Bloke ~ Stockade Brigade ~ Dueling Bards ~ Phasers ~ Masquerade Parade ~ Collective Performance ~ Castle Jumble ~ Dragon Hunt

To check out the stupendous Realms Faire Giveaways, go HERE.

Thank you so much to our sponsors for participating in this fun event - check them out HERE. 

Ye Olde Realms Trial Rules:

1.  Prithee, keep order at all times.

2.  There will be no throwing of sticks or stones or anything resembling fecal matter.

3.  Spitting upon our worthy guests or other citizens is strictly forbidden.

4.  Commenters art awarded points based on ye best olde English.

5.  An bribe ebook or $5 Amazon gift card will be bequeathed by each prisoner.

6.  A $25 Amazon gift card will be awarded at the end of the week by Sheriff Gwen.

7. HENCE, ye must comment to win!

 

Let the trials begin!

 

*Sheriff Gwen rolls out scroll to read the charge* Upon a recent tip from a certain monster, erm, I mean steadfast citizen of this most worthy realmdom, I did receive reliable information about EJ Wesley, late of Oklahoma and California, now of Blogtown in the land of Realms, and most recently a guest of ye olde Realms Stockade Brigade, courtesy of her highness, Mistress Mary Pax, and overseen by me, Gwen, the honorable Sheriff of Realms. *runs out of breath and sucks in a lungful of air before continuing*

Twas upon the eighth day in the month of April, in the year of our Lord, two thousand and thirteen, said prisoner, *sheriff motions toward EJ struggling in the stocks* Sir EJ, did in fact abuse, or cause the abuse of an eighteen foot troll. Mr. Troll *standing one-armed and with a patch over one eye at the edge of the crowd looking smug*  was merely in search of a means to break his fast, when accosted by Jenny the monster hunter, betwixt the pages of Dark Prelude, Book III of  the Moonsongs series.

Tis a most monstrous act to be sure, but the evidence is clear. Knights and ladies of Realms, I present my evidence:

“When I’d closed within a few feet, I doubled my grip on the hatchet. Letting out a shrill scream, I leapt into the air and buried the ax into the shaggy arm nearest me.”

“The limb thudded to the ground next to Marshal, who’d been unceremoniously dropped. I spun around, trying to locate my opponent. The troll swung at me with his intact arm. I dodged just enough to deflect some of the blow, but it was still powerful enough to send me flying into the creek bank with a thump.”

AND THEN,

“The flare hissed to life. I lunged forward and thrust it into the troll’s face, instantly melting the tufts of white hair hanging from his cheeks and brow. He flailed backwards, waiving his massive arm in broad, defensive swipes, which I ducked. After stumbling several times, he turned toward the bridge, and began walking toward the shelter in an awkward, zigzagging march.”

“I’ve blinded him.”

How plead ye, Sir EJ?

 

E.J.: I declare myself innocent on all accounts, Sheriff Gwen! Clearly Mr. Troll has used his injuries to play on the sympathies of this court, and if so allowed to continue, will make a mockery of all that is good and just in this fair land.

I shall call MY witness now, one Jenny Moonsong. Her account of these events will surely clear my name!

*A tall, lean young woman appears from the crowd of onlookers. She’s sporting a purple faux-hawk and wearing a t-shirt that reads “Part-Time Girl Gamer, Full-Time PWN "star”.*

Jenny: Can we hurry this up? I can’t even get a decent 4G signal out here.

E.J.: *chuckles nervously* Jenny, be respectful. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m in a bit of a bind here. They seem to think we were unduly cruel to the troll fella over there.

Jenny: *scowls at troll* That hairball on steroids tried to eat my best friend Marshal and me! Do I really need to justify taking my tomahawk to him?

E.J.: *sighs* If I’m going to get out of this stockade—and write YOU into another story—then yes.

Jenny: Fine. But don’t expect me to shed any tears on his ugly behalf … if I had it my way, I’d turn ol’ Cyclops’ hide into some sweet new seat covers for my 4x4 pickup.

Troll: *roars angrily*

Jenny: *smirks* Still touchy about the flare to the eye, I see? *snorts* Get it, E.J.? “I see.”

E.J.: Jenny, just get on with the defense. My legs are cramping and I think I’m getting splinters in my knees.

Jenny: For all the crap they put characters through, authors can be real pansies. You know that?

E.J.: There’s a delete button on my keyboard. It works great. Did you know that?

Jenny: That’s low. Okay, here’s how it REALLY went down with shaggy. My buddy Marshal’s father went missing on pretty much the coldest day West Texas has ever seen—I’m talking sleet, snow, and a wind chill that could freeze the snowballs off of Frosty.

E.J.: *groans* I’m never getting out of this…

Jenny: Anyway, we went to look for Marshal’s dad and we found 300 lbs of fur, stink, and bad attitude instead. That troll killed, and at least partially digested, several innocent people before E.J. let me put a stop to it. Y’all should be thanking him, and be grateful that I forced Mr. Troll to eat left-handed from now on.

E.J.: See! I’m a public servant. I only ever wanted to protect the fine folks of Center Pointe, Texas—and you. That troll is the real menace!       

 

 *the crowd throws rotten tomatoes at the troll*

Well, this puteth a different face on things.

What say ye, crowd?