Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Realms Trial: Trolls Be People Too


Hear ye, hear ye, goode citizens of Blogtown. Welcome to Realms Faire 2013 and the Stockade Brigade, Word Wizards on Trial event.

To learn more about the Realms Faire, please go to Realms Faire headquarters HERE.

Events: Joust ~ Drench-a-Wench/Soak-a-Bloke ~ Stockade Brigade ~ Dueling Bards ~ Phasers ~ Masquerade Parade ~ Collective Performance ~ Castle Jumble ~ Dragon Hunt

To check out the stupendous Realms Faire Giveaways, go HERE.

Thank you so much to our sponsors for participating in this fun event - check them out HERE.

Ye Olde Realms Trial Rules:

1.  Prithee, keep order at all times.

2.  There will be no throwing of sticks or stones or anything resembling fecal matter.

3.  Spitting upon our worthy guests or other citizens is strictly forbidden.

4.  Commenters art awarded points based on ye best olde English.

5.  An bribe ebook or $5 Amazon gift card will be bequeathed by each prisoner.

6.  A $25 Amazon gift card will be awarded at the end of the week by Sheriff Gwen.

7. HENCE, ye must comment to win!


Let the trials begin!


*Sheriff Gwen rolls out scroll to read the charge* Upon a recent tip from a certain monster, erm, I mean steadfast citizen of this most worthy realmdom, I did receive reliable information about EJ Wesley, late of Oklahoma and California, now of Blogtown in the land of Realms, and most recently a guest of ye olde Realms Stockade Brigade, courtesy of her highness, Mistress Mary Pax, and overseen by me, Gwen, the honorable Sheriff of Realms. *runs out of breath and sucks in a lungful of air before continuing*

Twas upon the eighth day in the month of April, in the year of our Lord, two thousand and thirteen, said prisoner, *sheriff motions toward EJ struggling in the stocks* Sir EJ, did in fact abuse, or cause the abuse of an eighteen foot troll. Mr. Troll *standing one-armed and with a patch over one eye at the edge of the crowd looking smug*  was merely in search of a means to break his fast, when accosted by Jenny the monster hunter, betwixt the pages of Dark Prelude, Book III of  the Moonsongs series.

Tis a most monstrous act to be sure, but the evidence is clear. Knights and ladies of Realms, I present my evidence:

“When I’d closed within a few feet, I doubled my grip on the hatchet. Letting out a shrill scream, I leapt into the air and buried the ax into the shaggy arm nearest me.”

“The limb thudded to the ground next to Marshal, who’d been unceremoniously dropped. I spun around, trying to locate my opponent. The troll swung at me with his intact arm. I dodged just enough to deflect some of the blow, but it was still powerful enough to send me flying into the creek bank with a thump.”


“The flare hissed to life. I lunged forward and thrust it into the troll’s face, instantly melting the tufts of white hair hanging from his cheeks and brow. He flailed backwards, waiving his massive arm in broad, defensive swipes, which I ducked. After stumbling several times, he turned toward the bridge, and began walking toward the shelter in an awkward, zigzagging march.”

“I’ve blinded him.”

How plead ye, Sir EJ?


E.J.: I declare myself innocent on all accounts, Sheriff Gwen! Clearly Mr. Troll has used his injuries to play on the sympathies of this court, and if so allowed to continue, will make a mockery of all that is good and just in this fair land.

I shall call MY witness now, one Jenny Moonsong. Her account of these events will surely clear my name!

*A tall, lean young woman appears from the crowd of onlookers. She’s sporting a purple faux-hawk and wearing a t-shirt that reads “Part-Time Girl Gamer, Full-Time PWN "star”.*

Jenny: Can we hurry this up? I can’t even get a decent 4G signal out here.

E.J.: *chuckles nervously* Jenny, be respectful. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m in a bit of a bind here. They seem to think we were unduly cruel to the troll fella over there.

Jenny: *scowls at troll* That hairball on steroids tried to eat my best friend Marshal and me! Do I really need to justify taking my tomahawk to him?

E.J.: *sighs* If I’m going to get out of this stockade—and write YOU into another story—then yes.

Jenny: Fine. But don’t expect me to shed any tears on his ugly behalf … if I had it my way, I’d turn ol’ Cyclops’ hide into some sweet new seat covers for my 4x4 pickup.

Troll: *roars angrily*

Jenny: *smirks* Still touchy about the flare to the eye, I see? *snorts* Get it, E.J.? “I see.”

E.J.: Jenny, just get on with the defense. My legs are cramping and I think I’m getting splinters in my knees.

Jenny: For all the crap they put characters through, authors can be real pansies. You know that?

E.J.: There’s a delete button on my keyboard. It works great. Did you know that?

Jenny: That’s low. Okay, here’s how it REALLY went down with shaggy. My buddy Marshal’s father went missing on pretty much the coldest day West Texas has ever seen—I’m talking sleet, snow, and a wind chill that could freeze the snowballs off of Frosty.

E.J.: *groans* I’m never getting out of this…

Jenny: Anyway, we went to look for Marshal’s dad and we found 300 lbs of fur, stink, and bad attitude instead. That troll killed, and at least partially digested, several innocent people before E.J. let me put a stop to it. Y’all should be thanking him, and be grateful that I forced Mr. Troll to eat left-handed from now on.

E.J.: See! I’m a public servant. I only ever wanted to protect the fine folks of Center Pointe, Texas—and you. That troll is the real menace!       
 *the crowd throws rotten tomatoes at the troll*

Well, this puteth a different face on things.
What say ye, crowd?


  1. I am tempted to let EJ off on ye grounds that she is a public benefactor. And a writer - which is more important in my eyes. However, I do think that she should muzzle Jenny Moonsong. Any character who calls their creator a pansy may not stop at trolls...

    1. Jenny is most definitely a handful! But she's admittedly a lot of fun to hangout with. :D

    2. "I do think that she should muzzle Jenny Moonsong. Any character who calls their creator a pansy may not stop at trolls..."

      *giggle-snort* xD

    3. Oops - mega apologies for giving you a gender transformation E.J.

    4. No worries at all! I did the exact same thing to an author this morning … it's all these darn initials! :)

  2. Well, I don't know. I can see why you guys took matters into your own hands, but was that really the best solution? I mean, why not send a messenger hawk to the knights and let them handle it? Sure, they're half a day's ride away, but at least you could have let the authorities handle the situation and reduce your liability. I'm going to need more evidence on this one, but I believe Jenny should replace EJ in the stocks until then. :)

    1. Yes! Put HER in the stocks! Probably do her some good. :D

  3. I waseth tempted to declare EJ guilty until I read about the troll making nice seat covers. Now I think I must declareth him innocent.

    1. They'd be very plush seat covers … but you'd probably need to air your vehicle out in between rides. :D

  4. Replies
    1. See, this is what I was afraid of--a bloodthirsty audience! :D

  5. The monster slayer, Jenny, dost have a point, er, way with words. If she truly saved us from Sir Troll's appetite, I say he shouldst be in thy stocks. Let the pansy-writer, I mean EJ, goest free!

    1. YES! Let the pansy go free! I'm all for it! :D

    2. I casteth a vote because I can and I say 'release him from the stockades,' he needs all of his strength just to keep up with Jenny and needs his arms free to write, I want to see what happens to Jenny and Marshall and the gang when the get to the vampires ''party''. [next book}.

  6. Sir Troll's act has no convinced me. I know his kind and how they make bridge crossing difficult! Free EJ!

  7. I say innocent. Never trust a troll, be they in the faire realm or a bar.

  8. Aye, trolls are a tricky and crafty lot. One must take all due care with them. Fair Jenny seems to have done us a favor by maiming this one, ergo I cast my ballot to free Sir EJ that he might pen another tale for the fiesty lass.

  9. Eye, but if we don't let him go, he can't write the next book in the series. That means Jenny won't be able to save us from all the evil lurking in our midst. And what if ye witch returns, eh? What of that?

    (I think that was more Pirate than Olde English, but I tried. :P)

  10. I'm still giggling over EJ's sex change... *snort*
    Although EJ must surely be guilty of the charge, I do not like trolls lounging around the likes of Texas and getting their way with people-shaped snacks. You must release EJ at once so he can make good on his promise of troll haired seat covers.

  11. I say he's guilty! Have him try beheading by Oreo Cookie in the dragon's stead. ;)

  12. Had yon troll been picking blackberries from a bush swollen with fruit, I mighteth sought a guilty for Sir EJ. Yet, spunky Jenny Moonsong acted upon true knightly duties putting a stop to the trolls diet of human a la carte.
    Innocent, I say!

  13. I reviewed the aforementioned charge over a cupeth of coffee and feel the true culprit is not Sir EJ, but the feisty character of thine creation and lady of ill repute, Jenny. However, said Troll, having suffered a mere flesh wound, was clearly in the wrong, what with its questionable dietary decisions and rather disdainful behavior. I declarith, cleave off its other arm and be done with it!

  14. Innocent! Innocent! This obviously falls under the 'Stand Your Ground' law.... right?

    1. Spoken like a true Texan! Jenny would approve. :)

  15. Hmm... it seemeth that both accused and defendants should be granted reprieve, under one condition - the troll shall be fed more suitable fare! If he then continueth his monstrous actions despite his benefactors' largesse, I say drum him out of town!

  16. Let the pansy go free!! lol love it. Innocent on all counts!

  17. That Jenny Moonsong is a cheeky whip of a girl. I am half inclined to disregard her testimony. Until further evidence is gathered, keep him in the stocks!


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