Ye Olde Realms Trial Rules:
1. Prithee, keep
order at all times.
2. There will be no throwing
of sticks or stones or anything resembling fecal matter.
3. Spitting upon our
worthy guests or other citizens is strictly forbidden.
4. Commenters art awarded
points based on ye best olde English.
5. An bribe ebook
or $5 Amazon gift card will be bequeathed by each prisoner.
6. A $25 Amazon gift card
will be awarded at the end of the week by Sheriff Gwen.
7. HENCE, ye must
comment to win!
Let the trials begin!
*Sheriff Gwen rolls
out scroll to read the charge* Upon a recent tip from a certain monster,
erm, I mean steadfast citizen of this
most worthy realmdom, I did receive reliable information about EJ Wesley, late of
Oklahoma and California, now of Blogtown in the land of Realms, and most
recently a guest of ye olde Realms Stockade Brigade, courtesy of her highness,
Mistress Mary Pax, and overseen by me, Gwen, the honorable Sheriff of Realms. *runs out of breath and sucks in a lungful
of air before continuing*
Twas upon the eighth day in the month of April, in the year
of our Lord, two thousand and thirteen, said prisoner, *sheriff motions toward EJ struggling in the stocks* Sir EJ, did in
fact abuse, or cause the abuse of an eighteen foot troll. Mr. Troll *standing one-armed and with a patch over
one eye at the edge of the crowd looking smug* was merely in search of a means to break his
fast, when accosted by Jenny the monster hunter, betwixt the pages of Dark
Prelude, Book III of the Moonsongs series.
Tis a most monstrous
act to be sure, but the evidence is clear. Knights and ladies of Realms, I
present my evidence:
“When I’d closed within a few feet, I doubled my grip on the
hatchet. Letting out a shrill scream, I leapt into the air and buried the ax
into the shaggy arm nearest me.”
“The limb thudded to the ground next to Marshal, who’d been
unceremoniously dropped. I spun around, trying to locate my opponent. The troll
swung at me with his intact arm. I dodged just enough to deflect some of the
blow, but it was still powerful enough to send me flying into the creek bank
with a thump.”
AND THEN,
“The flare hissed to life. I lunged forward and thrust it
into the troll’s face, instantly melting the tufts of white hair hanging from
his cheeks and brow. He flailed backwards, waiving his massive arm in broad,
defensive swipes, which I ducked. After stumbling several times, he turned
toward the bridge, and began walking toward the shelter in an awkward,
zigzagging march.”
“I’ve blinded him.”
How plead ye, Sir EJ?
E.J.: I declare myself innocent on all
accounts, Sheriff Gwen! Clearly Mr. Troll has used his injuries to play on the
sympathies of this court, and if so allowed to continue, will make a mockery of
all that is good and just in this fair land.
I shall call MY witness now, one Jenny
Moonsong. Her account of these events will surely clear my name!
*A
tall, lean young woman appears from the crowd of onlookers. She’s sporting a
purple faux-hawk and wearing a t-shirt that reads “Part-Time Girl Gamer,
Full-Time PWN "star”.*
Jenny: Can we hurry this up? I can’t
even get a decent 4G signal out here.
E.J.: *chuckles nervously* Jenny, be respectful. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m in a
bit of a bind here. They seem to think we were unduly cruel to the troll fella
over there.
Jenny: *scowls at troll* That hairball on steroids tried to eat my best friend
Marshal and me! Do I really need to justify taking my tomahawk to him?
E.J.: *sighs* If I’m going to get out of this stockade—and write YOU into
another story—then yes.
Jenny: Fine. But don’t expect me to
shed any tears on his ugly behalf … if I had it my way, I’d turn ol’ Cyclops’
hide into some sweet new seat covers for my 4x4 pickup.
Troll: *roars angrily*
Jenny: *smirks* Still touchy about the flare to the eye, I see? *snorts* Get it, E.J.? “I see.”
E.J.: Jenny, just get on with the
defense. My legs are cramping and I think I’m getting splinters in my knees.
Jenny: For all the crap they put
characters through, authors can be real pansies. You know that?
E.J.: There’s a delete button on my
keyboard. It works great. Did you know that?
Jenny: That’s low. Okay, here’s how it
REALLY went down with shaggy. My buddy Marshal’s father went missing on pretty
much the coldest day West Texas has ever seen—I’m talking sleet, snow, and a
wind chill that could freeze the snowballs off of Frosty.
E.J.: *groans*
I’m never getting out of this…
Jenny: Anyway, we went to look for
Marshal’s dad and we found 300 lbs of fur, stink, and bad attitude instead.
That troll killed, and at least partially digested, several innocent people
before E.J. let me put a stop to it. Y’all should be thanking him, and be
grateful that I forced Mr. Troll to eat left-handed from now on.
E.J.: See! I’m a public servant. I only
ever wanted to protect the fine folks of Center Pointe, Texas—and you. That
troll is the real menace!
*the crowd throws rotten tomatoes at the troll*
Well, this puteth a
different face on things.
What say ye, crowd?
